Allusion Poem-Lono
Hiding my head in the dark clouds above,
Trying to find light in this system we live in,
despite it being so very very dim.
Looking to prosper with every action I make
Trying harder and harder to be "somebody".
Looking at the birds I lose myself in thought:
"Why can't we get along just as these simple animals?"
Seeing all the wickedness in the world,
I hide in my shell...
There is no crime.
There is no competition.
There is no badness...
Just Peace and Unity.
I forget what Lono was the god of but I dont really see you in it. You need to have more connections to yourself. Overall though this is a nice serene poem very calming. Your graphic could use a little more work, maybe add a bit more pictures and a pic of you in it
ReplyDeleteAs Lono being the relayed to fertility,agriculture,rainfall and music. Mainly peace I can see how in your poem a bit of relationships to how your personality. Mostly on your God your described. But I agree with Kiana cause there isn't to many description to relating to you. Just fix it and it will be alright. Hope I helped. SHOOTZ!!!!
ReplyDeleteHi Kaimi,
ReplyDeleteI can see you working on your sentence fluency in the poem...nice parallel structure. I agree with your teammates that it would strengthen the allusion to include more about yourself in both the poem and the graphic. Kelvin brings up specific characteristics represented by Lono; perhaps use some of these to tie in to your character and actions.
mrs s