Growing up in Kaneohe, I was raised being taught to try make friends and be outgoing. In Kaneohe, people have the reputation of being very confident, almost cocky. Naturally, being in that environment, I also began to gain a lot of confidence. To me and everyone else around me this was normal.
However, my mom didn't feel that going to school in Kaneohe was in my best interests. And despite much protesting, my mom put in a G.E. for Moanalua. When I was excepted, I was actually kind of excited to go to a new school, because I had always been good at making friends. However I was nervous because I had never really associated with "town" people due to the fact of living in Kahalu'u which is considered "country".
After awhile I began to hate moanalua because of the way people acted-it wasn't what I was used to. Also, people got irritated at things that in the windward side, people would find normal. However, I adapted to the environment, and began to fit in better with different people. The whole experience taught me how to adapt to unfamiliar places and overall, it made me a better person.
HI Kaimi,
ReplyDeleteI am not going to comment on this draft because I think you told me that it is not an actual college essay prompt. You do need for this essay to be a real one.
mrs s
Hi Kaimi,
ReplyDeleteYou answer the prompt (as you explained in email) and give your reasons for the significance of the experience and how it affected you.
For your revision, you need to add in specifics. Right now, the essay is explanation...tell, not show...include some details, diaglogue, etc that would bring your experience to life. Also, show how you have changed, examples of your ability to adapt and how they are now helping you in your life.
And after you are done with the major revisions (the content stuff) then go over the mechanics. There are fragments and a misplaced modifier ("despite protests...my mom").
good luck on the revision...
mrs s